Monday, June 26, 2006

26 de junio de 2006

Last week was a week full of adventures and it is so that answer on why I havent writting anything on the blog.

Most of my friends are leaving home never to return to Beijing... in a way this is affecting me, for I've grown used to to most of them and they are my concept of stability in this country. But everything most come to an end, doesnt it?

I am planning to travel to Hong Kong, Taiwan and Japan during my month off. I tell this though, it sucks being a traveling Panamanian, you need a fucking visa everywhere you go, no matter how good our international relations are with another country. And I hate this, all the bureaucracy, all the shit I have to go thru just to go around the world. I will try as hard as I can to get all the visas though, I dont want to stay here feeling everyone has left me.

I was sick las wednesday so I didnt show up to the International Open Mic at the Bookworm but I did perform with Bob and Zhou in Bei Hai (Rain Bar) on the 24. I will post one of the poems I performed alone there, and see if we can transcribe the Kaleidoscope Poem to post it

One last thing before I leave you to my poem, I feel poetry is a dead art, a dead end... and it is so like me to fall in love with things that are this way... unreachable. I feel sad about that today, but there is nothing I can do, I didn't choose this... but it chose me... please just read...


Images turn to plaster
And sounds acquire texture
And the days become nonexistent
Time laughs at the secrets I've been told
Because my jaw drops
Tears fall from my eyes
I drop my head
And with my fists
I start hitting space

Leave me alone,
You damned voodoo spirit or ghost
Leave me alone,
Go back where you came from,
You will not drive me into your corrupt
Vicious manipulative scheme
To hit my button of auto destruction
I may not have faith in the world
But I have faith in me

I will not believe in you or your God
I will not tempt my ideals and succumb to you because of fear
I will accept death as it is, unknown,
And will agree to follow this vibe that guides me thru this labyrinth called life.

Leave me alone,
Stop showing me grotesque human interaction
Making me think that life is a long wait for death,
And that's it, nothing more
I said stop your vicious manipulative scheme,
You damned enraged voodoo spirit,
I've watch you as you transformed yourself into a humming bird
And try to suck on my sweet emotions
Go back to your master

Tell her I have intoxicated you


Tell her I am no game

That I will spit at her thoughts,

I will despise her love,

I will break sticks as if it were her bones,

I will stab her with all my will if she comes close,

Tell her that I've surrounded my self in a forcefield

Of might and elusive light that endangers her

Every time she tries to cast

A blast against my past,

Present, my life,

Be off you voodoo spirit,

And tell her that.


Sunday, June 11, 2006

June 11, 2006

Sitting in my apartment, all the lights are off and its a little bit hot. I feel a dark mark has been set on me, and find it really hard to establish a relationship. I must admit that in the past, in my poems, I mock this word: relationshit, friendshit, companionshit... it's all bullshit. But I guess I'm growing considerably lonely and in need to find a light in this crazy dark world of mine. Being away from home in a world that is particulary different from the rest it makes me over emotional about stuff, makes me feel to much of everything, of love, of hate, of anger, of loneliness, of happiness.

And example of this is last friday. I went to the gym in the afternoon in preparance for the drinking bout Patrick, Massa and me had organized for the night, at the Singaporean place at SOHO. We invited around 15 persons, I got lucky that night because the waitress gave me her phone number, and I felt happily drunk and wanted and all that shit. Maybe I was in denial for what happened on wednesday with Yuki. And I'll tell you this, everything be it with any girl here in China starts great, the first day is awesome, I hit the stars... but after that when we end up in the "real" date... something happens... the magic just leaves.

Anyways as we left, the waitress smiles at me... and I sing with Massa "Daylight comes and we want to go home..." And this is when things start to get nasty man... Mr. Patrick is running and climbing walls and jumping and Massa breaks into beats of Fuck Fuck Cunt Cocksucker, and I into a beats of Fuck Motherfucking Bullshit fuckers! And talking in my worst chinese ever (not that its really good after all). And this is when I lost it all... I arrive at the Together Bar had some beers but when I drank the glass of rum, after that I only know what happend by my friends accounts. They said I said I love you to a girl that had his boyfriend there, not only in English, but in Chinese and Spanish and kept on repeating it many times... I was being a real asshole screaming being delightfully funny (to my friends who know me) but I guess something inside me made me do all this... I DONT KNOW WHAT... thankly Stafan took me home.

When I woke up next day, no close on, I dont remembered anything, and when I listened to the accounts I go... That doesn't sound like me... but it was... Who am I? Who are you? Do you really know who you are?

This week I read two poems but I'll post only one, hope you like it:

A Dream

Lately you are in my mind,
As summer in a cold winter night,
You have come and go then come again,
Too bad I've never felt
Your touch or kiss or even a caress,
I've never known reward, or sacrifice,
Nor have I felt the wind sing your name,
The colors of your eyes are of a fading one,
Like those in a dream,
I never remember them when I wake up,
But I recognize how it felt,
When upon your vision laid I,
I was mystified,
And I have search the misty path,
In search of you... my one
But face after face, I just don't seem to find
Those eyes, or that smile,
Or those tears when they fell and touch the ground,
In my dream, you see, you never leave,
In my dream, you save me,
You are the pentagram and I am las
I'm the religion and you are the Goddess...

But still I haven't found you, my one:

That's sad isn't it,
That is why I dig Jazz,
Lets face it; there is a percent that never gets the one,
No one or any one,
But for those
There is a tune and a drink
Miles Davis and Janis Joplin
Night sky, Blue sky,
Whatever, you are alive...

So many souls say that love will fulfill your life
Well, God damn! If they are right,
Cause I think I'm in that percent, you know,
Or I will be in that percent for years to come,
I guess I have to find a reason to live other than love,
I guess I have to find happiness in another source,

So I'll put Miles on the jukebox have a Gibson Martini and a smoke
If its not you, my one, I prefer to have none,
and try to see if happiness could be achieved thru this art form,
writing about things that I might not ever have... Like love,
But it's so hard to be alone, specially when you go out
And see couples.. a passionate kiss...
You just want to scream FUCK! And then you think:
Is there something wrong with me
Why can't I... but they can?
No answer.

Don't matter... I have Jazz and alcohol,
Friend and this art form,
I am Alive!
But still I don't know
Why I have this need, this need, to be in love.

Jack Raif

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Sunday june 4, 2006

Hou Hai
Hou Hai,
originally uploaded by Jack Raif.
Summer is approaching very fast and in the landscape beautiful white long legs emerge. They activate my sex so frequently I think I only think about it 24/7... I hope to see more of it.

The subway station in Beijing has 2 new carts, it seems they are upgrading their carts, one by one. I'm waiting, though, for the new subway lines to open up... I hope I'm still here when they do.

Probably the subterranean poets will be performing on Rain Bar this 24 of June, I'm looking foward to it, there is nothing more beautiful than seeing Hou Hai at night, hold a beer and talk with some friends (specially after performing). I hope you enjoy the poem I read at the Bookworm this week and if you are in Beijing come visit us, 8:30 p.m. every wednesday...


Loneliness comes in many forms:
a. Space
b. Heart
c. Both

Isn't it strange?
How loneliness traps us
In its mystic wrap,
It's not being without someone (loneliness of space)
The one that stirs up this uneasiness
a sort of decay
In which every passing day
Transforms us,
It's not the one that makes us kneel
Sobbing, crying, screaming,
Nobody hears,
Not that anyone would notice,
That's the problem with loneliness
The signs are within hidden,
You are a turbulence of emotions
A chaotic confusedness
That makes you feel giddy inside,
Lightheaded, dark,
Life has become an endless charade of hollow smiles,
And "I'm ok,
I'm just tired",

And our bodies mingles with the presence of others,
But what do they know? How much do they care?
Most important, do we really care?

And when we meet someone we might think could fill the gap,
We realize, we come to understand
That loneliness is not a problem of others,
But a problem of us,
It's not a problem of them not accepting us,
It's a problem of us not accepting them.
Is it our previous experiences that pushes,
Makes us reject present relations,
Or is it truly the fault of a world
that cannot understand...?

And when we meet someone who we might think could fill the gap,
And we get endeared with that one,
And our hearts don't want to forget,
But the one has suddenly left,
Some say is better to lost and love,
Than never to loved at all,
I say is better to not love at all,
Than suffering a case of acute loneliness of both,
Loneliness of space and heart,
Feel death when you are alive,
Pain when you are all right.

Jack Raif