Sunday, February 18, 2007

Yeah. So what? I fell in love in Beijing.

Millions of individuals, heads stammering out of the mouth of Xizhimen subway station. I stand still, thinking. Thinking of you. Thinking of them. Thinking... where do all these people come from? Where do they go? Why are they all in a hurry? It's as if they follow some strange energy that guides them to a certain place. I, by the other hand, sit there and just watch all of them, they are blinded by light, they are stressfully walking in two directions, to and fro. The feeling, the sense of just stopping, of inactivating the body to activate the senses in this chaotic transit of human beings, of pushing, of shoving, of sounds, of bad smells, of.... dynamism. Why you follow? Why you walk? Why you breath? I am the surgeon and want to open you up to see what makes you tick.

Then I started walking and became one of them. I can only be aware of this at this point, I hope later I can brake away and walk like a God, incandescent, leading the herd, not following them.

By midnight the lights of a white room acompany me. She went home that night and space creeps up in me and loneliness starts to speak. I touch its lips and kiss it. Fuck off, I think it has been enough. It's time to give myself a chance.

By morning I miss her and wish we were never we, I hate missing, I hate the pain, I hate... not being with her. Dead end here, no way to avoid suffering.

By afternoon, she calls, my ears eat her voice like ambrosia and every vibration is absorbed, nothing is wasted. A thought arises, feeling too much, my disease, its a pool where alone, I swim. I said good-bye but wanted more of.... I dont know.

By night I get home, she is waiting, and the subway and midnight and morning and afternoon are pushed away. Nothing matters when she is here. Bien fucking "cursi", but that is the way love is, isn't it?

Jack Raif.


Anonymous Yasuko said...

I think that's right.

9:56 PM  

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