June 11, 2006

Sitting in my apartment, all the lights are off and its a little bit hot. I feel a dark mark has been set on me, and find it really hard to establish a relationship. I must admit that in the past, in my poems, I mock this word: relationshit, friendshit, companionshit... it's all bullshit. But I guess I'm growing considerably lonely and in need to find a light in this crazy dark world of mine. Being away from home in a world that is particulary different from the rest it makes me over emotional about stuff, makes me feel to much of everything, of love, of hate, of anger, of loneliness, of happiness.

And example of this is last friday. I went to the gym in the afternoon in preparance for the drinking bout Patrick, Massa and me had organized for the night, at the Singaporean place at SOHO. We invited around 15 persons, I got lucky that night because the waitress gave me her phone number, and I felt happily drunk and wanted and all that shit. Maybe I was in denial for what happened on wednesday with Yuki. And I'll tell you this, everything be it with any girl here in China starts great, the first day is awesome, I hit the stars... but after that when we end up in the "real" date... something happens... the magic just leaves.

Anyways as we left, the waitress smiles at me... and I sing with Massa "Daylight comes and we want to go home..." And this is when things start to get nasty man... Mr. Patrick is running and climbing walls and jumping and Massa breaks into beats of Fuck Fuck Cunt Cocksucker, and I into a beats of Fuck Motherfucking Bullshit fuckers! And talking in my worst chinese ever (not that its really good after all). And this is when I lost it all... I arrive at the Together Bar had some beers but when I drank the glass of rum, after that I only know what happend by my friends accounts. They said I said I love you to a girl that had his boyfriend there, not only in English, but in Chinese and Spanish and kept on repeating it many times... I was being a real asshole screaming being delightfully funny (to my friends who know me) but I guess something inside me made me do all this... I DONT KNOW WHAT... thankly Stafan took me home.

When I woke up next day, no close on, I dont remembered anything, and when I listened to the accounts I go... That doesn't sound like me... but it was... Who am I? Who are you? Do you really know who you are?

This week I read two poems but I'll post only one, hope you like it:


A Dream

Lately you are in my mind,
As summer in a cold winter night,
You have come and go then come again,
Too bad I've never felt
Your touch or kiss or even a caress,
I've never known reward, or sacrifice,
Nor have I felt the wind sing your name,
The colors of your eyes are of a fading one,
Like those in a dream,
I never remember them when I wake up,
But I recognize how it felt,
When upon your vision laid I,
I was mystified,
And I have search the misty path,
In search of you... my one
But face after face, I just don't seem to find
Those eyes, or that smile,
Or those tears when they fell and touch the ground,
In my dream, you see, you never leave,
In my dream, you save me,
You are the pentagram and I am las flores
I'm the religion and you are the Goddess...

But still I haven't found you, my one:

That's sad isn't it,
That is why I dig Jazz,
Lets face it; there is a percent that never gets the one,
No one or any one,
But for those
There is a tune and a drink
Miles Davis and Janis Joplin
Night sky, Blue sky,
Whatever, you are alive...

So many souls say that love will fulfill your life
Well, God damn! If they are right,
Cause I think I'm in that percent, you know,
Or I will be in that percent for years to come,
I guess I have to find a reason to live other than love,
I guess I have to find happiness in another source,

So I'll put Miles on the jukebox have a Gibson Martini and a smoke
If its not you, my one, I prefer to have none,
and try to see if happiness could be achieved thru this art form,
writing about things that I might not ever have... Like love,
But it's so hard to be alone, specially when you go out
And see couples.. a passionate kiss...
You just want to scream FUCK! And then you think:
Is there something wrong with me
Why can't I... but they can?
No answer.

Don't matter... I have Jazz and alcohol,
Friend and this art form,
I am Alive!
But still I don't know
Why I have this need, this need, to be in love.

Jack Raif